I assume the rest of you have received Deland's post today about the missing Guido.
As the Chief of Investigations, I have spent most of today trying to track Guido down. After an exhaustive search and at considerable cost, I have managed to determine his whereabouts.
Our Commish has tried to avoid any mention of Guido during this off-season, hiding behind some restriction on revealing personal info about Go Zone employees. Only after I reminded our Commish that I am also the Director of Human Resources and the Vice President of Quality Control did our Commish relent and come clean.
Guido is in rehab. As I have long suspected, Guido has an ongoing issue of drug and alcohol abuse. He has been in self-denial and often fails to show up for his rehab classes. Consequently, I had to demand our Commish commit Guido to a secure facility that will conduct and supervise Guido's therapy.
I also had to remind our Commish that the NFL begins its season this coming Thursday. He has assured me that he is prepared for the upcoming season, and my fingers are crossed that he's telling me the truth. It will be most difficult to hire a replacement for Guido at this late date, so we may have to settle with the Commish actually doing his job.
Omaha
Chief of Investigations
